Tuesday, August 19, 2008

North Dakota Big Foot

© 2008 Karen Van Fossan

I can't be the only one who's disappointed that Big Foot turned out to be a hoax, that money changed hands, that a rubber gorilla suit was to blame. Maybe it's just my disappointment talking, but I'm inclined to think there's more here than meets the eye. Maybe it's not that Big Foot doesn't exist. Maybe the Sasquatch searchers just searched the wrong state.

If I were Ms. Big Foot, looking for a state, I would settle down...

1) Where the human population is one of the lowest in the nation (about 47th would be best).

2) Where I'd have over 70,000 square miles to call my own.

3) Where there is no registered chapter of the Sasquatch Information Society.

4) Where the winters can get so brutal, everyone looks like a Sasquatch.

5) Where the name of the state means North Friend.

6) Where black bear, wolves, and mountain lions are rumored to make their homes, but it's so easy to hide, almost no one ever sees them.

7) Where UFO and alien encounters are on the rise, especially near Tappen, diverting people's attention away from Big Foot.

8) Where, if people are into bigness, they can just take pictures of Salem Sue.

9) Or Tommy the Turtle.

10) Where, if worse came to worse, I could find my portrait along the hallway of the capitol, one more famous North Dakotan.

Yes, I've decided. If I were Ms. Big Foot, I'd settle down right here. After all, Sasquatches have been sited at least twice in North Dakota (in 2000 and 2007).

Someone ought to tell those North Dakota Sasquatches, You got to be more careful! Take a cue from your buddies back in Georgia!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Mosquitoes and Why I Love Them

© 2008 Karen Van Fossan

Today is the day I began to love mosquitoes. I mean, don't they love me after all? Don't they get all jumpy and expressive when I come around? They treat me like a rock star. So today I decided I'd love them back.

Ten real reasons I love mosquitoes:

10) I like to play connect-the-dots.

9) They don't know the difference between a president and a prisoner.

8) They give strangers something to talk about at the bus stop.

7) They're not as bad as chicken pox.

6) They're friendlier than some of my neighbors.

5) They help me keep up my speed on the 50-yard dash.

4) They remind me that small can be powerful.

3) They teach me that each creature exists for its own ends, not mine.

2) They keep me on my toes with my anger-management skills.

1) They rhyme with burritos.

There! Maybe tomorrow, I'll love Dick Cheney.